Cry
by holycitygirl
Summary: How Michael and then Steven affected Jackie's view on love. WARNING: NO HAPPY ENDING! Probably the only fic I will ever write that doesn't have one.


Title:  Cry

Disclaimer:  Not mine

Summary:  How Michael and then Hyde affected Jackie.  Not happy Jackie POV.  I was thinking the other day about how I would probably feel if I were Jackie.  I would be very angry.  Don't get me wrong I love Hyde.  And I know he loves her.  And I want them back together.  But I just felt like writing a real life story.  So don't read if you want a happy ending.

Credit:  The song is NOT Faith Hill's Cry.  Yes Faith Hill did a cover of it –but the song was written by singer-songwriter Angie Aparo.  His version is slower and he performs it with only a guitar.  The song is much more powerful that way.  If you like Faith's version- more power to ya –but that was not my inspiration.

If I had 

Just one

Tear running down your face

Maybe I could

Cope

Maybe I'd get some sleep

If I had 

Just one

Moment at your expense

Maybe all my misery

Would be well spent

So could you cry a little 

Lie just a little

And maybe you could feel

Just a little more pain

I gave

Now I wanting

Something in return

So cry just a little 

For me

Michael Kelso was my first love.  My first lover.  My first heartbreak.  He taught me about hurt.  The kind that comes from realizing that love isn't perfect, that fairytales lie.  And don't get me wrong –he didn't teach me the first time –hell he didn't teach me the second time either.  No, I am a slow learner.  I need it written on the chalkboard, drawn out on paper, role-played by members of a community theater.  And even then I didn't want to get it.  He cheated on me.  Time and time again.  Hid it from me, lied about it, and somehow never saw why it was wrong.  It was as if he never considered my emotions at all.  He never worried how it would make me feel.  And how did it make me feel?  Well at first I fought hard not to feel.  I tried hard to be shallow Jackie.  Pretty princess Jackie.  I tried to act like Michael and not think.  And when that didn't work –I broke up with him.  So what about the next time?  Well I was well into not believing in Michael.  But I didn't want to not believe in love.  I wanted to believe that if you wanted something bad enough you could have it.  And I wanted what Eric and Donna have.  Soul mates –fate.  I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself.  But the problem with that was my partner didn't.  He didn't know how to play the game and had little or no brainpower to learn the rules.  Am I being too harsh on poor Michael?  Maybe.  But pardon me if I continue.  Because that boy has hurt me it more ways than one and I don't care if he is too dumb and sweet to have done it on purpose.  I don't care if he still loves me.  If he loved me then in his way –if in some way he always will.  I don't care.  Because I gave him a part of me that I should have saved for the real thing and because of him the real thing never realized he got something better.

If your love could be caged

Honey I would hold the key

And conceal it underneath

The pile of lies you handed me

And you'd hunt 

Those lies

Maybe all you'd ever find

And that'd be all you'd need to know

For me to be fine

So cry a little

Die just a little

And maybe I would feel

Just a little less pain

I gave

Now I'm wanting 

Something in return

So cry just a little for me

Steven Hyde is my true love.  My confidant.  My heart killer.  He taught me about pain.  The kind that comes from realizing that no matter how much you give -some people don't know how to take.  And don't get me wrong – I know that I didn't help him trust.  I know I made mistakes that allowed him to close himself off.  And my part in the blame does little to alleviate my pain.  It does little to help change what he did.  He cheated on me.  He didn't lie, he didn't hide it.  He just cheated.  Just once.  And if I forgave him tomorrow he'd never do it again.  But he considered how I felt.  He knew what it would do to me.  And what did it do to me?  It killed me.  There was no emotion.  I shut down.  I looked him in the face and told him I didn't love him.  And it was true.  I didn't love him.  I didn't love Michael.  I didn't love myself.  I wanted to believe in Steven.  But I would not believe in love.  There were no soul mates.  There was no fate.  And Donna and Eric?  Well they were just waiting to end badly –because everything always does – otherwise why the hell would it end?  But the problem was, underneath all the pain, I did.  I could only turn off for so long.  I believed in all of it and I still loved Steven. No matter what I said.  And I hated myself for it.  How stupid could I be?  How fucked up?  To love cheaters, to forgive love?  I was pathetic.  Am I being too harsh on myself?  Probably.  But I won't stop.  Because I'm the common denominator in these two similar but different fractions.  And I'm not allowing myself to be too sweet or dumb to learn from this last mistake.  I don't care if he is sorry.  Or if he loves me.  I don't care if I still love him –if I probably always will.  I don't care.  Because I gave him a part of me I'll never get back.  Something stronger than innocence, something bigger than fate.  And now it is gone. 

Give it up baby

A whimper would be fine

Or some kind of clue

That your doing time

Some kind of heartache

Honey -give it a try

I don't want pity

I just want what is mine


End file.
